On a ten day break on the island at the momment. Life has changed a lot for me post COVID. I really mean that how I think about and approach life has changed.
I am 51 years old soon to be 52 and I just want to watch the world unfold around me. No targets, goals or striving just living. I have come to realise that in reality we have a lot less control over our lives than we think. Just look after myself, family and friends and stay good natured.
To be honest my biggest test is marriage, every conversation seems to be hard work and it just gets worse and worse over the years. No malice just hard work and it just wears me out. For the moment I just agree a lot, try never to contradict and keep quiet. She made me a coffee and said I think its too strong. I had to pretend it wasn’t it was aweful, if I had agreed with her she would have got annoyed at me and either told me to make it your bloody self! Or thrown it all away loudly and angrily or both. The response should have been to top it up with hot water to dilute it.
The hardest thing to deal with is being given a choice, as which ever I choose causes a grumpy comment. Last night I didn’t have enough covers as my wife had wrapped herself up in them and I asked for some back. This morning I got a big display of ‘covers’ and a talk on how she didn’t have them and it was me etc etc etc. Honestly in the morning I couldn’t have cared less, I had forgotten about it. I didn’t need an autopsy on the subject and a lecture for 5 minutes on how it was all me! Can’t I just ask for covers back without it turning into a full blown comotion, where she has to feel vindicated and justified?? ENOUGH, of pettiness it wears everybody down! My wife has a lot of self loathing at the moment (she would not admit that obviously) but is struggling with menopause and weight gain, moods etc. The best person to lash out at is… me obviously.
Marriage is a great practice in Stoicism, it’s not hard to work out why so many 50 year olds get divorced.
Life could be so much easier …. Let it go, let it go, let it go!
OMG my wife walked passed and looked at me and commented “that coffee wasn’t to strong”. As it wasn’t a question I didn’t think it was for me to answer? She then stopped abruptly , said in a condescending tone saying each word slowly and methodically pronounced“what did you think David”. (Obviously not looking up from my phone angered her). I said it was very strong, she walked off without replying! Another awkward encounter!! But if I said to her that her tone was condescending and borderline aggressive she would have given me hell. I would never ever talk to her to another human being in that way. Condescending and belittling is a nasty trait. Especially when the purpertraiter is unaware of it or thinks they can keep getting away with it. I think I am going to record her and play it back to her.